Barrie Vs. Bon

Fresh from our Flipper in The Burn exclusive, Kerfuffle Press had a man on the spot, ostensibly there on Junior football duties, covering the recent BonFest held annually in the Angus town of Kirriemuir. Though built on a site inhabited since Pictish times the place owes its current celebrity to being the birthplace of both writer JM Barrie and rock star Bon Scott.

The profusion of gift shops, cafes, retail outlets, monuments and memorial gardens celebrating the author of Peter Pan had until recently been Kirriemuir’s main draw for tourists. Since the 2016 unveiling of a crowdfunded statue of the late AC/DC lead vocalist the balance of power had shifted.

On the Saturday afternoon of this year’s BonFest Kirriemuir was buzzing. Thousands of AC/DC aficionados from around the world were toddling around the town centre. Most local pubs put on rock bands of some description and were packed with thirsty punters. A tribute act from Saxony, Bon AC/DC, were performing on the back of a lorry. Kirriemuir was briefly Bonland but an unspoken line was crossed when an overzealous festival goer bedecked the Peter Pan statue in a cut-off denim jacket.

Somewhere, probably on the Dave+2 channel, presenting a show called “Britain’s Deadliest Literary/Music rivalries”, Danny Dyer is whispering in a hushed and frightened voice, “The fans are all heading into The Square, that’s a staunchly children’s author area. It’s Barrie manor and I’ve a feeling it’s all going to kick off soon.”

Danny proves to be as prescient as ever. A group of youths dressed as fairies, buccaneers and mermaids swarmed into the square and stood in front of the vehicle. A chant went up, “Hello, Hello, we are the Barrie boys.” It was the sign others had been waiting for. The trap now set, hard-line Barrie supporters such as the Tinker Bell Team and the Capt. Hook Casuals abseiling from the roof of AB McIntosh, Ironmonger and Calor Gas Dealer, swooped onto the lorry during the German band’s attempt to re-enact AC/DC’s famed “Long Way to The Top (If You want To Rock n’ Roll)” video.

Groups of pirates each armed with their own inflatable, ticking saltwater crocodiles traded blows with a gang of Polish bikers all along Three Bellies Brae. There was fierce hand to hand combat in the doorway of Bertrams the Quality Butcher between Lost Boys and Motorhead roadies.

After a run in with the CHC, Dirk “Demented” Nocountski, a paint sprayer and Ronnie Dio fan from Tunbridge Wells, had to have his two middle fingers removed. On hearing the extent of his injuries, he was sanguine enough to admit it would now be much easier to make the Sign of the Horns rock salute. Dirk also mentioned he’d be back for next year’s BonFest.

In a brief communique sent to The Dundee Courier, Tinker Tam, a spokesperson for the extreme Barrie sect the Sentimental Tommy’s announced, “Though Sir James Matthew may have displayed an unhealthy infatuation with the activities of small children at least he never spent his entire career stood on stage beside a sick fuck dressed as a schoolboy.”

As a postscript to events, days later a street cleaner discovered graffiti, believed to be the work of a Barrie or Bon Banksy, stencilled on the wall of the Free Baptist Church, which read, “All rockers, except one, grow up.”